


Five of the Most Bizarre Things to Masturbate To

by lionessvalenti



Category: Cracked: After Hours
Genre: Gen, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-18
Updated: 2013-05-18
Packaged: 2017-12-12 05:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionessvalenti/pseuds/lionessvalenti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With nothing left to talk about, Michael comes up with a topic of discussion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five of the Most Bizarre Things to Masturbate To

Dan scratched the back of his neck and gave the table a long, appraising look. "So, we really have nothing?"

Michael dropped his head down and poked at his cheeseburger, clearly avoiding Dan's gaze.

"It's impossible," Dan said. He glanced over at Soren, who didn't quite look back at him. It was weird, how no one seemed to be able to meet his eye. "There's no way that we've completely exhausted the entire spectrum of pop culture."

"Everyone has an off night," Katie said, and he could hear the pity in her voice. He cared about this too much. "We can talk about Star Wars again. There has to be a hundred Star Wars things we can discuss."

"Or," Soren said pointedly, "we could just eat and not talk like normal people do. We could try to be normal co-workers."

"No!" Michael slammed a fist against the table, and the cutlery and glasses shook. "That is where I draw the line! Let's talk. Weirdest place you've ever had sex. Go!"

Katie rolled her eyes. "No. Besides, that doesn't have anything to do with pop culture."

"Fine. Weirdest TV show or movie you've ever masturbated to. I'll start." Michael grinned. "Golden Girls."

"We're not going to--" Dan started, but then he stopped. "Golden Girls? Really?"

"Please tell me it was only during the Blanche scenes," Soren said. "If it was during Blanche scenes, that doesn't make it okay, but I can understand."

Michael shook his head as he picked up his cheeseburger with both hands. "Do not underestimate the appeal of Estelle Getty."

"Hey, that painting of naked Bea Arthur sold for a million dollars," Katie added. "There's really no accounting for taste."

Dan wrinkled his nose. "Can we end this conversation now?"

"Pocahontas," Soren said quickly, maybe just to turn the conversation away from The Golden Girls. "The Disney movie. I was thirteen."

Dan threw his hands up in the air. No one was listening to him.

"I don't think that's _that_ weird," Katie said. "She was pretty stacked for a twelve year old. Unless you're talking about the wacky raccoon sidekick. Or the hummingbird sidekick, or the dog sidekick. That movie had a lot of sidekicks to choose from."

"And Mel Gibson's voice," Michael added with his mouth full.

"No, it was Pocahontas," Soren said. "None of the animals or... dudes."

"It's not that weird," Dan said, finally resigned. Apparently they were talking about this, and he had no choice but to go along. "And you were thirteen. You probably whacked it to Hallmark commercial."

"Is that your weirdest thing?" Soren shot back.

"I bet Dan's was My Little Pony," Michael said with a sneaky little smile. "The 80's variety."

Katie laughed. "Dan, were you a brony before it was cool?"

"It's not cool," Soren said, lowering his spoon into his bowl of soup. He shook his head and muttered, "It's never been cool. It's never going to be cool."

"Just stop, please," Dan replied, placing his fingers to his forehead. He sighed and straightened up in his chair. They were all looking at him, waiting. And they were going to keep guessing if he didn't tell them _something_. He could lie, but they would probably know. They always knew.

He picked up his Coke and quietly mumbled into the glass, as quickly as he could, "There may have once been, and this was an isolated incident, with lots of surrounding circumstances, a moment with Hocus Pocus."

Soren studied him seriously for a moment. "Sarah Jessica Parker?"

If Dan could have crawled beneath the table, he would have. "Kathy Najimy."

The table erupted in laughter, and after a moment of feeling awkward and embarrassed, Dan laughed, too. Someone's had to be embarrassing, and really, Michael's was probably worse, but he didn't give a shit. So why should Dan?

Dan looked across the table at Katie. "What about you?"

She shook her head. "No way. It might be male bonding to talk about jerking off in a not-gay way, but women don't."

"I don't buy it for a second," Soren said right away. "Women have those vibrator parties. They have to be talking about it."

"We told you ours," Michael said. "And Dan told us his, so that means there isn't anything much lower than that."

Dan rolled his eyes. "Thanks."

"Fine," Katie said. She sighed loudly. "It's not a TV show or a movie, not exactly. It might have been some particularly steamy X-Files fanfiction. Happy?"

"Yes," Soren said, appearing to be genuinely pleased. "Scully porn is something I can get behind."

"It wasn't Scully," Katie said slowly. "It was Mulder and Krycek. They might have been rage-fucking against a wall."

"The one-armed guy?" Dan asked with a wrinkled brow.

Katie shrugged. "The heart wants what it wants. And a fifteen year old girl who wants to indulge her fantasies about a couple of sexy TV characters definitely gets what she wants. Because the internet exists."

"That wasn't the only one you did it to, was it?" Michael asked, leering suggestively at her. "How many other soiled X-Files fanfictions are there, Katie?"

Katie picked up her water and smiled. "Nope, I'm done. I participated in the conversation. Unless you guys want to go for another round of awkward masturbation stories, I'm not saying a word."

They were silent for a few seconds, until Michael said, "I've also masturbated to Home Improvement. And Home Improvement fanfiction. Did you know there was Home Improvement fanfiction? Heidi got a lot of action. In the butt."

Soren shook his head. "No, Michael. No. We're done."

"But I have a whole list of 80's and 90's sitcoms to talk about," Michael said. "If I knew we were going to talk about this, I would have brought cards."

"This is what you would bring cards for?" Dan asked, half lunging across the table. "This? _This_? Are you kidding me?"

"I'll bring note cards for subjects I care about," Michael replied airily.

"That's true," Katie said. "If it doesn't involve his dick, he doesn't care."

Dan pressed his fingers against his forehead again. They were only halfway through their meal, and they couldn't keep going like this. "Okay, isn't there something about Star Wars we could be talking about?"


End file.
